Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Don't fuck with a monkey

This is the monkey that tried to attack me.



Oh, I know what you're all thinking: Kate, what are you talking about? That monkey looks very sweet and peaceable. I don't think he would hurt a fly. Well, if you think that you're a fool because NO MONKEY is sweet and peaceable--they're all natural born killers. One other life lesson learned in India--don't fuck with a monkey.

This particular monkey showed up, as you can see, on the balcony outside my office. At first he just sat there, looking at me, plotting, and managed to lull me into a false sense of security. So, I got out my camera, moved a bit nearer and started snapping pictures.

This was the last picture I took before the monkey attacked me.


Now, ok, to be fair--maybe I got a bit too close. And I guess, realistically speaking, I probably wouldn't like it if someone got up in my face with a camera either. But all I know is one moment I was peaceable snapping photos and the next the monkey had raised its ears, bared its teeth and attacked.

I might be new to the monkey world, but I'm not fool--there was always a closed door and window between me and that monkey. You think that monkey cared? He did not. He grabbed the ladder you see gently resting next to him and began to bang it against the window. I think his plan was to break the window with the ladder, and then bite my jugular--probably while slashing away at my face with pieces of the broken glass.

I didn't give him the change. Locked door or not, I take no chances with monkey. I grabbed my camera and dashed back into the main part of the office.

Having secured his territory the monkey stopped trying to break the window, and all was peaceful once again.

Monkeys, man--they're going on my list of people and things not to mess with, right between Condoleezza Rice and the Roman Legions.

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